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This licensing offer may be altered or withdrawn by the publisher at any time with or without notice. This offer is void where prohibited by law or common sense.

The only sacred cows you'll find here are roasting over a nice fire made from real wood. If your mind can't digest meaty subjects, especially those presented in an acid fashion, take your browser somewhere safe now.

We don't advocate racism, holes in the ozone, holes in human bodies (made by bullets, knives, or other things), animal abuse, child abuse, mother-in-law abuse, drunk driving, homophobia, or any of the plethora of other things that are so popular to be concerned about these days.

But we don't run screaming from these topics either, at least if we think we can make them funny. Everyone's sense of humor is different, of course, so your mileage may vary. Simply realize that the publisher of this site thinks everything here is funny. Or at least he thought all these items were funny when he posted them. Even though he is male, he reserves the right to change his mind.

If you don't like humor out on the edge of good taste (and sometimes over it), then you should go back from whence you came. There are plenty of boring, predictable, concerned sites out there from which to choose.

Although this site is not obscene, and should be legal in most jurisdictions on Planet Earth, it does contain some harsh language. If you're offended by bad words you may be happier elsewhere. Jupiter is alleged to be pleasant this time of year.

This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein, the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.

By viewing this site you acknowledge responsibility for your own opinions, feelings, neuroses, hangups, and actions. The people depicted in this publication's articles/stories are highly trained, professional fictional characters. Do not attempt to reproduce their actions/statements at home, work, or anywhere else. Doing so will merely prove you to be sillier than the people who wrote this malarky.

Random Access Humor (RAH) is published by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. There is no set publishing schedule. New stuff is published whenever the publisher gets a round tuit. RAH is a creature of the web and is not affiliated with any specific network, ISP, or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the editors, staff, publisher, or advertisers.

Random Access Humor is Copyright 1992-2005 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized duplication and/or re-distribution is prohibited. You may always point links from your site to the RAH site, or even to particular articles. (Note that articles do change regularly, so those kinds of links may break fairly quickly.) Copying an item from RAH to your site is another matter entirely (a prohibited matter, in fact). The rights for individual articles remain with their authors. Obtain permission from the author before publishing, posting, or otherwise distributing anything published in RAH. If no author or copyright holder is specified for a particular item, contact the publisher for permission. The only exception to this rule is for items that are specifically identified in RAH96 as being public domain.

Random Access Humor and the tumbling letters logo are trademarks of Dave Bealer. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks, registered trademarks, or servicemarks of their respective owners.

All of the MIDI sequences and graphics files used in RAH fall into one of these categories (to the best of our knowledge, at least):

• Original creative works. All rights belong to the author. (All RAH logos are the original artwork of the publisher.)
• Public domain files obtained from network archives. (The RAH staff is extemely grateful to those who make the effort to provide these archives.)
• Commercial material licensed from the owner, either on an individual "per item" basis, or as part of a collection.