Best of RAH:
The Dynamically Translated Address
translated by Dave Bealer
This parody first appeared in the March 1994 issue of Random Access
Humor. It also appeared on the Humor page of the June 1995 issue of
Enterprise Systems Journal.
Copyright © 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved.
(With sincere apologies to Mr. Lincoln)
Four TORS and seven Queries ago our programmers brought forth on this
mainframe a new program, conceived in COBOL, and dedicated to the
transaction that all users should be serviced equally.
Now we are engaged in a great regression, testing whether that
program or any program so compiled and so debugged can long process.
We are met on a great SYSUDUMP of that regression. We have come to
dedicate a portion of that listing, as a final resting place for
those who gave their sanity that that program might run. It is
altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But, in a larger partition, we cannot wait, we cannot process, we
cannot swap this address space. These brave transactions, running
and suspended, who struggled here, have processed it, far beyond our
poor instruction to add or subtract. The system log will little
note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never abend what
they did here. It is for us, the raving, rather, to be committed to
an institution while they who watched us are nobly promoted to
management. It is rather for us to be here dispatched to the active
task remaining in the queue - that from these suspended tasks we take
increased CPU cycles for that task for which they gave the last full
page of real storage - that we here highly resolve that these
suspended shall not have swapped in vain - that this program, under
MVS, shall have a new burst of throughput - and that applications of
the region, by the region, and for the region, shall not abend from
Dave Bealer is a fifty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, z/OS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with a cat who annoys him endlessly as he
assiduously avoids writing for and publishing Random Access Humor.
Dave can be reached via e-mail at:
Know what I hate? Rhetorical questions!